THE DAILIES OF A FILMMAKER

Sexuality sits on the lap of the soul, deep in the deepest chamber of our being. It is the offspring of the unity of heart and soul, their capacity to express love. It is not something that can be abandoned, denied, or exchanged for another! It should be nurtured and allowed to express itself freely! On the other hand, It should not be allowed to lose its way or given away carelessly for it is a precious God-given gift made for the purpose of expressing his will of FAITH, HOPE, LOVE.

So please, do not tell me that in order to be right with God, I have to deny myself my true sexuality that has been born in the deepest recesses of my self. I am gay not by my own choice but by God’s will, and not one of you mortal and fallible zealots can tell me that God is displeased with me for being so. If you have not yet realized, God is perfect and He will not create something then frown and say, “hmm, you’re a mistake so ill have to throw you into the fire”. Please, know your God more! Not only in form but also in substance!

You always throw the line, “Let the old die and the new you arise, for with Christ’s death, your old self has died too”. Might I stress, my being gay is not my “old self”, It is my true self – always have been always will be. What God meant about our “old self” were the evils that developed in our early immaturities – selfishness, pride, lust, greed, and all that does not agree with his ultimate will of LOVE. Why of course I am most willing to turn from all that is evil! Of course my aim in life is to evolve into the kind of person God wants me to be! Of course I aim to turn from my former irresponsible ways! But do not tell me that with all that I must throw my sexuality into the trash bin too! My sexuality is not sin! In the same way that yours is not! It only becomes so when we use it to abuse! Pardon my humanity but I cannot deny the world around me of the truth. I cannot live a lie. I know God would be more displeased about that. I dare you staunch gay Christians to turn from your sexuality, pretend you don’t feel the things that you feel, marry a woman if you please! I will respect you for your bravery! And I know that God will appreciate your effort. But when all is said and done, lets talk in heaven and see if that was all that necessary. I may be proven wrong but hey, while I’m here, I’d rather live imperfectly in truth, than live pretending to be perfect.

Please do not use God to escape from your true self.
Where the seedling fell, there it grew, all according to God’s will (foto taken fresh out of school, Central Park, New york)

Halloween weekend in Saigon

Half past nine last Saturday night, I was still at the creperie updating my blog. Suddenly my heart starts to pound heavily for no reason. Thinking it may have been because i’ve had to much café da, I packed up and rushed to my hotel. On my way, I noticed there was an unusual crowd on the streets, especially towards the cathedral, but decided to ignore the incident and hurry to get dressed to meet my staff for a drunken Halloween celebration.

In my hotel room, I jumped into the shower, scrubbed up every part possible, slipped into my sexiest low-rise jeans, a crisp white dress shirt and my classic “alpha man” leather shoes, ready to glow in the dark. The palpitations persisted. I was wondering why.

On a cab, en route to the club district, there was mammoth traffic by the cathedral area. I figured maybe an accident? Or Maybe a Halloween concert? who knows. So, I gestured to the driver to take another route.

I got to the SAMSARA club that was packed with all sorts of hungry gay men. I strangely felt ill at ease. I stretched my neck looking for my friends but none to be found. I ordered vodka and stood by a group of oggling brown men. Suddenly I heard someone speaking in tagalog! I looked at this person and noticed he had just come into the club and looked really shaken. Speaking to the other pinoys in the room, he tried to hide his emotion but it was obvious, “hala! Andito tayo habang lumuluha ang birehng Maria sa Cathedral!” I pretended not to hear as they huddled. I have always been cynical about these Marian phenomena but for some strange reason I was a bit shaken by this news. So that explains the traffic and the crowd gathering! Would it also have been the reason why my heart was pounding? It started to bother me. After a few minutes and a vodka, I got impatient and left the club. I moved on to the Q bar to see whether my friends were there. Still none. Fortunately, I bumped into some flight attendants whom I had known way back. So, The party commenced. Less than an hour had passed when my friends finally appeared! Both looking extremely flushed. Mio was quick to break the news, “ we took a look at the crying virgin.” I Looked at them demanding for news and knew from their faces that they had seen something quite spectacular. After their vivid account, I asked Mio, whom I knew was a Christian, “ as a Christian, what do you think?” He was quick to answer, “ Whatever it is, it just tells us that we should pray”. Now that got to me! Not that I don’t, because I do, But because if the world was ending tonight, id want to be in manila. I looked at Joji for other answers but he was in one corner, weeping, “This is a wake up call for me”. I stood there stunned. At that moment I wanted to leave the club and see the crying lady. I made my way out with the two guys but suddenly friends and colleagues started showing up looking too pleased to see me. I was practically cornered and showered with drinks. Debauchery took over.

The next day, Sunday, I woke up with the worst hang over and a vague recollection of how I got through the night. I had only one thing in mind though as I dragged myself out of bed – Go and see the weeping lady.

Under a slight drizzle, I walked to the square in shorts and a Tee. The sky was grey and boy did it really feel like judgment day! As I worked my way through the crowd of thousands, my heart pounded like it did the night before, and then there she was. I stared at her face, my vision trying to zoom into her cheek. Yes there were marks of tears running down her cheeks on to her neck. I stood there and cynically studied it. Quite honestly, It wasn’t moving me the slightest bit. But, upon shifting my gaze from her cheeks to the crowd around me, I was stunned by the crowd’s reaction to it! Every man, woman, and child stared at her face in utter awe, teary-eyed and chanting Vietnamese songs of praise. It was what moved me. I had the urge to sing with them so I may join the voices that were being heard in heaven but I didn’t know the words so I shut my eyes and just lifted my heart, drifting with the melody of their chants.

The rain started to pour as I opened my eyes. I looked at the grey clouds beyond the statue and asked, “What’s this all about?”

Ok, maybe it was bird shit? Maybe it was acid? I don’t know… but I walked away knowing…

Knowing that whatever it is, the effect is what’s important. If it will take something like this to keep on reminding the world that there exists a spiritual world beyond our shallowness, so be it. If it takes a tear in this lady’s cheek to know that God wants some attention, so be it.

Because we need it. We are so deafened by life’s noise. We need to be reminded to be still and know that He is God.

see pictures of the lady at http://godsnotdoneyet.blogspot.com/

Written on the plane from Paris to Vienna: Full text and fotos in blogspot

En route to Vienna, I remembered something that Pierre had said earlier today, over espressos and cigarettes, about their upcoming 8-month trip to Asia. I don’t remember the exact words but he had said something about not merely jumping into a plane and traveling senselessly. That there be a philosophy behind the journey is vital. I pondered on the thought during pockets of silence in the airport and asked myself, “What is my philosophy in traveling?”

I was pleased that, almost instantly, I had answers…

I travel not just to do what the privileged do or acquire what others have. Too shallow a reason for something so costly.

I don’t do this to add feathers to my hat or make scarp books to show off. Such impressions pass too quickly through people’s minds and sometimes even leave a bitter jealousy in their hearts.

I don’t need to be seen in the shi-shiest of places. Who will see me anyway? The one who feeds me? The one who will deem me worthy in the end? If so, Will it matter?

I don’t need to prove to be an expert in the routes of cities that are not my own. I can only be an expert on my hometown.

Rather, I journey to seek my own peace,

To feel the earth around me and realize that we all live under the same sun,

To watch the world go by with its joys and sorrows painted on faces that are stored in my mind, my library of emotions.

I allow my mind to wander and my spirit to soar beyond the confines of my own realm. Somehow, It fulfills my need to understand things, people, phenomena…my need to hear their stories in order that I may learn not to judge.

I see far off lands, listen to foreign tongues, and gaze at writings I cannot comprehend. I observe, I write, I capture, I sense, I try to relate. Not for mere vanity but rather to sharpen the blade of my identity and return home with a deeper understanding of who I am, where I come from, and who I owe this all to.

When in a bar and wanting:

- Make sure your predatory mood is not obvious. Once you enter the place, Stand confidently in the middle of the room looking like you don’t need to get laid (even if your idle hands are trembling). Make sure you are smiling and acknowledging everyone but DO NOT stare at anyone in particular (even if you see Brad Pitt by the bar!). Stand there long enough to be slightly obtrusive. While there, Scan the room for a place to nestle. Make sure the area you pick has good lighting and ample ventilation otherwise your freshness will wear out fast. Try out several places before you finally settle down.

- Settled in a cozy little corner now? now get a drink. DO NOT START CHECKING PEOPLE OUT YET! Keep your eyes on the bar and Just look at your glass. When you take your first sip, keep your gaze steadily at what you are drinking and THEN discreetly lift your eyes whilst turning around 360 degrees to scan the whole room. You must learn to do this in less than a minute! If the lighting and the crowd is not as bad as BED’s, you should be able to spot a potential in one sweep. If not. Be patient. It’s either they have not arrived yet or they may be in the toilet checking people out. Occasionally greet a friend or two and be sincere about your greetings. You are more transparent than you think.

- Once you have spotted a potential bait. Relax. If you are with a friend, tell him to take a hike. Order another drink. Relax. Repeat step 2 : eyes on the drink then slowly lift up to check him out. Then, stand there smiling at everyone. SINCERELY! Contrary to popular thinking, Having a grin on your face is not ugly as long as your eyes are not rolling. Be patient. Your radiance will shine through. Work on that sincere energy oozing out of you. Draw it from the heart. Think LOVE. Breathe deeply and think LOOOOOVE. Watch your potential bait carefully. See if he is deserving of your time . Once affirmed, STARE! NOW! AS IN REAALLLY STARE! WITH HAWK EYES…But smile…That’s it…Sincerely.

- When he finally feels the electricity you are projecting across the room, he will look back at you. If he looks once, you have his attention, if he looks a second time, he is curious, if he looks a third time what the hell are you still doing standing there! GO FOR THE KILL!(note: If he doesn’t look at all…To hell with him! Just go inward again and think…I am beautiful…Repeat it…I am beautiful…ummmmm…ummmmmm).

- A fourth glance back from the target man would be your cue to start basing yourself in his area of the room. Please make sure your right hand is not sweaty in preparation for a decent handshake, and that your lips are not chapped, pop a mint so your first breath is not stale. (Note: Do not Start wetting your lips or brushing your hair in public! If you feel a need for a touch up, discreetly slip into the men’s room).

Now, Valuable tip: a good way to make sure you have his attention is to shift to another part of the room. Watch him. If he scans the room to look for you. You have it!
Once you are sure, WALK TOWARDS HIM NA! You can take that grin off your face now, walk slowly, non-chalantly and manly (Note: Internalize a suave disposition. Think Jude Law not Jude Estrada). Once you are half a meter away from him, smile…Sincerely! And try this:

Base 1>
You: Hi, I was wondering,…ummm (seem bashful) Why are you staring at me? (remember to smile)
Guy’s Possible responses :
-huh? duh! Like what? Or Ano? Or Nyek! (should the man respond this way turn around and leave the bar immediately).
-Oh my god! Why, I wasn’t noh! You ha! Your so presumido (should he be this way, you can stay, but prepare to be patient)
-Oh, I was just noticing that you were alone ( this is a hungry man and he just wants sex. Bite if you wish)
- Oh, pardon me but really,how can anyone not stare at you? (this is your dream man. Keep your composure)
- Oh, your radiance envelopes the chamber which I share with you. I think I love you…(this man may be Jeremy Barns, proceed with a grain of salt)
You: Not that it’s an issue. I don’t mind actually…I’m ( state your real name) and you are?
Guy : I’m (name)
You : Can I get you a drink? ( If he agrees, call the waiter and speak in a very humble manner. Do not start speaking like Joan Collins) Boss, may I have a gin tonic for (his name) over here…Salamat boss.
Base 2>
- Engage in niceties with him. Ask him questions and please sincerely listen to his answers. Look into his eyes and stop checking other guys out. Listen. Ask some more. Listen.
- Do not say much about yourself except your name, profession, and make sure he knows your alone (even if your not). Talk about funny things. Don’t get too deep.
-Please do not indiscreetly slip your sweaty palms into his jeans in public, you don’t know whets been in there lately and two, it is extremely distasteful!
- Do not attempt to kiss him! What you can do is while you are listening to him, draw your face very close to his so that you are cheek to cheek and your lips are brushing against his left ear when you respond. In this position, you can actually seem innocently listening to him but you can also steal a quick and discreet tender peck on the cheek when the time is right. A tender peck on the cheek is never offensive.
- After a few drinks. Start to look irritated at the crowd. Try to get his opinion and talk about it. Then go for the next base.
Base 3>
you: This place is wearing me out. Would you like to chill out somewhere else?
Possible repartee (assuming he’s the guy of your dreams)
Guy: Sure. Where do you want to go?
You: wherever you will be comfy.
or
guy: Oh, I actually came with some friends but I’d like to get your number and we could continue this some time (this guy deserves a chance. Don’t feel rejected)
you: great. Heresy my number.
or
guy: My place or yours? (be careful, this guy may turn out to be needy)
you: another bar perhaps?
Once your out of the smoke and loud music. Take a walk with him. Be quiet for a while. Be contemplative and think ” do I want to have sex? Or a relationship?
If you feel he is for sex, say:
You: You know what, lets go to my place.
If you feel he is a potential partner:
You: You know what, I have a strange urge to see where this first night is going to bring us in the bigger scheme of things. Let’s take a long walk in the bay? Have coffee? Watch people pass until the sun rises?..Then maybe meet up again tomorrow? For dinner?…Lets not hurry, we have a lifetime.
Then discreetly watch him blush and eat out of your hands

SEMETIERE MONTMARTRE, PARIS

I wonder before your solid grave

How must one think in order to produce greatness as you have?

I close my eyes praying that your soul might touch mine,
so I too may do what I have to do,
and live the way I am meant to live.

I reach out trying to imbibe even just a bit of you.
So I may not waste my mind, my eye, my heart…
so I may be able to leave, upon my own grave,
inspiration for generations…
as you have.

If there is one thing that I pray for as often as I can, I ask for the most elusive virtue in this world – HUMILITY.

It’s so easy to fall into arrogance and pride, especially with the blood that runs through my veins and the gifts that I have been given in this life.

You see, Unfortunately, I come from a family that prides itself in being of a decent and respectable lineage. We pride ourselves in being smart, eloquent, cultured, humane, and, yes, of affluent beginnings. This is a Big deal for most, but really, the pride that inevitably comes with this has been the root of all the evil that has crept into our stories and made them ugly. I have seen it precede many falls and eat into loved one’s lives like termites. For me, it has been the cause of most heartache.

Also, unfortunately, I have been gifted with a sharp mind, a sensitive heart, and a hard drive that never gives up. Thus, I have achieved considerable successes in my life.

In all honesty, taking all these too seriously has taken my joys away.

So, realizing the malady, I fear arrogance and pride like a plague. But it lingers like a bad cold.

Today I read a chapter in a book that strengthened my conviction regarding pride. It’s simple reading but given the right time and need, the messages just jump out of the pages and pierce right through one’s soul.

Talking about times when we gloat on our achievements and successes, The author makes a point that God’s tendency, out of his love for us, is to take all that pride away even if it entails a painful fall for you. “

“ …He knows we can’t handle it. We aren’t content with a bite of adulation; we tend to swallow it all. It messes with our systems. The praise swells our heads and shrinks our brains, and pretty soon we start thinking we had something to do with our survival…we forget we were made out of dirt and rescued from sin”

So true and so easily forgotten.

I try each day. I try my darn best only to speak only words of truth, of fair self-assessment and nary an exaggeration, But I fail many times. In my insecurity I hold on to adulation as if it were my self-esteem’s lifeline.

But I will keep on trying. Because I know that it is only in living in humility that I may find the deepest source of real happiness. It is inevitable – If I choose to remain proud and arrogant, I will be reminded not to be, but, if I maintain a quiet confidence, I will be given the grace of joy, for if humility precedes an event, then confidence may follow.

“All who make themselves great will be made humble, but all who make themselves humble will be made great”
Luke 18

Can’t do anything, that’s the way of God.

And it works.