THE DAILIES OF A FILMMAKER

Holy Monday
On the way back from my annual visit to the doctor, my partner, Tor and I were discussing health issues and the thought of “choices” popped up. I asked him, “Do you think our choices determine the path of our lives?” (I asked him this because I always had this notion that everything about our lives, even our choices, is pre-destined by God according to his big plan, like I believe it was necessary for Judas to make the wrong choice of betraying Jesus in order that the salvation of the spirit of man might be fulfilled. Right?) With a very mature certainty my partner, who is 20 years my junior, calmly replied, “ Of course bubba, the outcome of our life is determined by the choices we make whether conscious or subconscious”. I kept quiet. Somehow I knew exactly what he meant. I continued to drive in silence but my mind was spinning, primarily because my eyes were forced open to that great truth Tor uttered as if God had used him as a megaphone to drive a point thorough to my deaf mind. Then, I began to scan back through my life, painfully realizing, yes, indeed I have made some bad choices in the past and yes, I now suffer the consequences of those choices. Damn it.

Holy Tuesday
The day after, I left for Bangkok (for work) and quite honestly, even the flurry of airports, immigration lines, take offs and landings had the ability to distract me. The spirit kept on whispering - the outcome of our life is determined by the choices we make whether conscious or subconscious.

That evening, in the decadent land of the Thai, I had some free time so I went out to Silom to shop for tee shirts. Suddenly, I get a text from an old friend. He was in Bangkok and had seen me from a distance so I met up with him, initially for a beer or two, but we CHOSE and ended up in a boy strip bar watching a gazillion naked boys strut their stuff and…well…yeah…you know. To begin with, this is not one fancy of mine, ever since. But I have made it a point not to judge anyone who fancies these kinds of entertainment. That’s their CHOICE. So, being practically shoved into this CHOICE, (there’s that word again) I deemed it proper towards my host to put on an expression of fascination but I’m sure my real feelings were transparent. I was progressively depressed at how making love (our style) is depicted in such a “cattle-manner” void of feeling and emotion. Nothing about it could ever give me a woody! But, really, what depressed me more was seeing the clientele, the captive audience (which included me of course) – beside me was an aging thai man with white hair, leathery complexion, spectacles drooping on his nose, his left hand clutched so intently on the hand of a 17-year old boy. In front of me was a group of predatory Caucasian queens led by someone who look like Andy Warhol back fro six feet under. To my far left was a big group of lady boys. On the other side of the arena were a couple of salivating Koreans. Beside them was an aussie bloke who sat by himself gurgling down the brew of the day. Believe me, I describe these characters without making fun of them and I refrain from judging, but I could not help but think, Is this their idea of a week end retreat? Is this how they like to spend their precious hours of rest? If so, what has made them fancy this? Has loneliness shoved them into this CHOICE? Or are they conscious of this CHOICE? Turning my eyes to myself, I wondered, Is this how I would have ended up if I had not made a choice to pursue real loving relationships no matter how difficult they are? If I had chosen to be independent and non-committal, maybe this is what I’d be doing at their age? The thought was frightening. The CHOICE was daunting.

Good Friday
Now, back in the peace of my own home and loving the stillness of Good Friday. I am, once again, thinking of Tor’s line “ …the outcome of our life is determined by the choices we make whether conscious or subconscious”. Like every free-spirited egocentric human being, I have ventured through life somewhat carelessly at times, often driven by lust, loneliness and the selfish desire to be adulated (yes folks, most of the time it is not as we call it “desire to be loved, it is the desire to be worshipped) But, come to think of it, if I had chosen to take the safe path all the time, if I had always been impeccably responsible, would I have grown to be the person that I am today? I doubt it. My mistakes have taught me, painfully, yes, but quite deeply and deeply learned lessons bring forth strength, wisdom, and teach us perseverance. Maybe that’s what God meant when he gave us Free will. He gave us the freedom to make our own choices and that is a very loving thing to give to one’s children – allow them the freedom to grow from the choices they make. Stay in your “safe zone” and suffer the life of a mediocre spirit! May I reiterate, I am not condoning bad choices! I advocate that this free will be pro-actively taken as the allowance to journey through the trials and errors and hopefully into the light. It’s our choice.

While there are, of course, some things we cannot choose in our lives, like where and what we are born into or our physical selves or what sexuality we develop, deeply reflecting, I now realize that we have the power to shape our lives with the choices we make without sacrificing the colorful adventure of life –

Choose to love selflessly instead of merely seeking to be loved.

Choose to love EVERYONE AND ANYONE that God has brought into your life NOW instead of groping in the dark, for that “one someone” to come along and love you.

Choose to live to give because it is the natural flow – you are blessed so you can bless.

Choose humility over fame because none if it is to your credit.

Choose peace over your own selfish demands because it’s less stressful.

Choose to serve more than be served because it increases your self-worth.

Choose to listen to the spirit more than base your decisions on what others are saying.

Choose to be different. Because, admit it, a majority of the world around us today is uniformly making bad choices.

So, as I continue my journey, and still dare to live a full life without fear, I ask myself, how do I make the right choices now without limiting myself to the “safe zone”. As I have been blessed with the spirit to rise from the fall and am now in a place where I can make the right choices this time, What am I to do to make it through safely but not stop growing?

I guess I must continue to be in tune with the spirit. Call it holy, sacred or divine. Call it God, Allah, Jesus or Jehovah, whatever. I choose to rise above what the world thinks and does and listen only to the spirit of the God of Love. Yes, LOVE, that’s best, LOVE should be the motivation of everything I do from here on.

Easter. Pasko ng pagkabuhay = Life re-born?

Sounds like fun.

This entry was posted on Sunday, April 8th, 2007 at 1:28 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.