THE DAILIES OF A FILMMAKER

Tor and I are going through slightly trying times.

A month ago he flew back to his hometown just to visit his Lola and tell her the good news that he is soon off to study in London. Like everything was timed according to a plan he never anticipated, On the day he arrived, his Lola was rushed to the hospital for a lingering fever and to make things short, the findings were thats the cancer in her breast had already spread to her lungs and liver. Tor quit his job in Y&R and stayed in Cebu, caring for her day in and day out, bathing her, massaging her back, dressing her wounds and regulating her dextrose. Not a joke! Especially with the thought that the woman who raised him, nurtured him, and made him the beautiful person that he is is soon to go. Defintely not easy.

My cross is lighter and self-inflicted. Since I arrived from my most recent regional project in Vietnam three weeks ago, I have been hoping to get one more project in Manila to keep me busy and , ofcourse help augment the money I need to make to pay for my studies in London as well. Almost three weeks has passed and all i’ve gotten are cancellations and silence. Very discouraging at nakaka-insecure. These periods of “nothingness” make me fear for my future and stupidly make me doubt my worth. I was bad a few days ago. Now, I’m choosing to believe in the truth that there is nothing wrong with me…that I am merely meant to have these periods of stillness for some good purpose.

As a couple, It has been trying also for us not to be able to be together, especially in times like these. I’m here needing to make a living compelled by the realities of life, he’s there waiting for his Lola’s last breath compelled by his good heart. We miss each other. Thank God for modern means of communication, we are able to cope.

Were not complaining. We know that other people have heavier crosses, bigger problems…but that does not take away the pain of the struggle.

Tor and I choose to see this time as a time of stillness and solitude necessary for the growth of our soul. I personally believe that there are times in our lives when God really has to force us out of our comfort zones in order to bring us to a quiet corner, alone with him…so he can whisper into our hearts and let us know and BELIEVE how deeply he truly loves us unconditionally and how we NEED NOT FEAR anything.

The question is, do we recognise the purpose of these periods of stillness and give in to his will? or do we try to escape the peace that is at hand by trying to run our lives on our own feeble strength and limited wisdom?