THE DAILIES OF A FILMMAKER

For some reason, a couple os staurdays ago, I was invited to a party dubbed as "exclusive to the most adorable men in Manila". Oh wow, "adorable" havent heard that word and my name spoken in one breath So, having really heard it though, I looked around  hoping they meant it for another bunch of people but…Moi? adorable? do i look like a friggin cute puppy to you? or an over-fed panda with big brown eyes!? Adorable seems like a word used for cuddly things that are asexual!…ugh.

Anyways, Yes, amidst all the sweetness and adorability, I was having a very good conversation with a fellow-filmmaker who enthusiastically talked about his previous works, and he said a line that got my intense mind going again…sigh… he randomly said,

"Is love merely an intoxication? or a natural reaction of the senses?

Hmmmm…Himayin natin…

How can love be an intoxication? Simple. Becasue it can give you a wonderful high, make you do anything in the name of ecstacy, drive away fear, throw inhibitions out the window and leave your jaws tired from incessant smiling and excessive petting (that is, ofcourse, not mentioning all other parts of the body that tend to get overused in the early phase of fallin in love). BUT, BUT… just like tama ng ginebra, this high, this intense ecstasy of the blood-pumping organ (the heart! you one track minded fool!) This pure pleasure eventually, through time, plummets to reality level and either leaves you with a bad I-wish-this-never-happened kind of feeling or, on the other hand, make you want more and thus be relegated to the ranks of Adik-adik. In any case, Love  when called an intoxication, is deemed as a fake temporary high…a manufactured altered state…70% proof…lambanog…juts…chonki…BAD … BAD … ergo, Love is bad for the system? Fucks up ones life? addictive? destructive? BAD NEWS!…Is that it?

(silence cuts thru the thick noise of the world. Love it)

What about this… is love just a natural reaction of the senses? A mere agreement of the chemical components of two homo sapiens? an attraction determined by the scent of secretions? serotonin level stability? hormonal balances? GAYUMA? Why not? think of it…Didnt the smell of that last person you were madly in love with drive you nuts!? Have you ever had one of those moments when in the absensce of the beloved you are driven to insanity by the mysterious occurence of his scent in your room? Even if he had a bit of that masculine musky odor didnt it just get you going? Doesnt the smell of his lips give you a stiff… neck! (you one track minded fool!) isn’t touching the best way to make love? Isn’t physical attraction a thing of the senses? and doesnt love start from there? Personal chemistry? doesnt that make up love? These beong said, does that mean that since it’s a scientific thing, we will be able to control it in our lives some day? Take away the unpredictability of love and just treat it as a science. Is that what we want love to be? something that Dra. Belo can solve for you?

Alam ko naman na may mga sagot kayo sa mga tanong na ito. Ang pakay ko lang naman eh para may mapagisispan tayo…Ano ba talaga ang pag-ibig para sa atin?

Para sa akin kasi…espiritual ang pagmamahal. at Iya’y tatalakayin ko sa bukod na entry

The malaysian Strait Times ran a major article today that told about THE HAPPIEST COUNTRIES ON EARTH and what a delight to see that,
out of 178 countries, THE PHILIPPINES RANKS IN THE TOP 20 OF THE HAPPIEST COUNTRIES IN THE WOLRD!

Published by the British think-tank, NEF or the New Economics Foundation, this study measures the people’s well being and their impact on the world around them. Here are the highlights.

Number one on the list is Vanuatu (a very poor country in the south pacific islands).

They are followed by Colombia, Costa Rica, Dominica, and Panama (very poor countries in sud America).

The Philippines ranks in the shining number 17!

Indonesia is number 23.

Malaysia is number 24.

The United States of America didn’t even make it to top 100! Coming in at a lousy 150.

Italy is happiest lot in Europe at 66.

Russia is the lowest, unhappiest country on earth.

The head of NEF added that, “ it is clear that no single nation listed in the happy planet index has got everything right, but the index reveals a pattern…long and happy lives means living within our environmental means”.

A correspondent from Vanuatu was asked what makes them happy and he replied, “people are generally happy because they are very satisfied with very little…this is not a consumer driven society. Life here is about community, and family, and goodwill to other people. It’s a place where you don’t worry too much”.

This brings me back to a conversation I had with a journalist when she was featuring my Black and White photos in Metro magazine. I told her that I like taking stolen shots of people on the streets all over the world, “and funnily, the happiest faces that iv’e captured are not the ones in Paris or Barcelona or Vienna but the photos i took of the poverty stricken families that live on the sidewalk of Juan Luna street in Binondo, manila!” She so wiesly replied, “because they dont have much to lose so they just live life!”

So, makes you think huh?

In the bigger scheme of things, aren’t love, happiness and peace of mind the most important things?

Money? Fame? … Or genuine happiness and peace of mind?

Sino ang panalo?

yung fab na mayaman?

o yung simpleng masaya?

(photos: headline-children in the island of Bohol, above me and my children)

My dear one,

I am breezing through this because i just have the
need to tell you what i have to say….

I struggled to get up this morning because i had
very little sleep. I practically had to shove myself
out of bed, had breakfast at the cafe lounge, and
scurried through a shower not even able to shave nor
moisturize.

It was an hour s trip to Jalan Baik where I was to
check the location of the shoot. With my
cinemtaographer and staff, I studied the place and
planned my shots. It was peaceful and wish you had
been there.

I was back in the hotel by 2 pm. I plopped in bed
again but couldn’t sleep so i fixed my things and
asked the hotel to make up my room as it was a mess.
While they did, I took a walk on Bukit bentang to have
lunch at an unholy hour of 3 pm and then proceeded to
just cruise the area. Looking for stuff interesting
enought to buy. Not much.

I’m back here in my room and waiting for 6 pm
because my whole staff and i are having a run through
of the pre-prod presentation tomorrow to client.

and heres what i really have to say….

Through all that , my dear one, through all that…not
one hour, not one minute did I not think about you.

Yes, the only thing i did today was think of you.

I’ve not felt
this way in years.

Love,

the man whom you swept away

Iv’e been having quite a lot of good times lately. It’s all good…
good friends. great conversation…
and sweet sweet sweet.

Cast your needs upon the heavens and it returns with sweet suprrises

Amidst the social graces required , all I could feel in the room was your presence.

Just when a man thinks he is wise and strong, Someone comes along to make him realize that his heart is still stronger than his will.

But thats what life is all about. Fools.

Looks like this is the direction my life is going. Regional work.

After having released my first full length film last June 2005, and going back to advertising work (to earn some mula to pay off the debts i incurred while doing my film). I have not stayed in manila longer than a month. It started out with a string of projects in Vietnam which brought me to working for hongkong agencies then to kuala Lumpur. All in all, 10 months of being away. Christmas at New Year lang ang pahinga.

It’s been great but tough as well.

Getting to work with other excellent filmmakers (Producers and DOPs) from Thailand, China, and Malaysia as well as creatives from Europe and America is an absolutely enriching experience! And, if I may say so myself, being appreciated and respected by them is equally inspiring! In these past ten months I have gained more international experience than the rest of my life and it’s been exhilirating! But, but, but I cannot deny that the loneliness of hotel rooms kills me! No matter what suite or penthouse they woo me into, it does nothing to wipe away loneliness…and loneliness breeds stupidity…stupidity breeds depression. Oh well, I guess no situation in life is ever perfect or we wouldnt have anymore to look forward to. I try my best to spring open the shutters and let in the cheery light and i think i’m getting better at it - getting used to hotel breakfast buffets ALONE, TV channel surfing ALONE, net surfing ALONE, not to mention the plane trips, immigration lines, airport inspections, long transfers, connecting flights, arrogant french Creative directors, and helpless horny nights ALONE!

But who is complaining?!…I’m not ;)… I can’t …I wont…will never ever…because this God’s plan for my life and it is good.

Loneliness is a state of mind. Part of our nature but can be turned around to work out for the best.

I pray. It helps in heaps. I see no other way of alleviating the pain of loneliness…but prayer.

Sexuality sits on the lap of the soul, deep in the deepest chamber of our being. It is the offspring of the unity of heart and soul, their capacity to express love. It is not something that can be abandoned, denied, or exchanged for another! It should be nurtured and allowed to express itself freely! On the other hand, It should not be allowed to lose its way or given away carelessly for it is a precious God-given gift made for the purpose of expressing his will of FAITH, HOPE, LOVE.

So please, do not tell me that in order to be right with God, I have to deny myself my true sexuality that has been born in the deepest recesses of my self. I am gay not by my own choice but by God’s will, and not one of you mortal and fallible zealots can tell me that God is displeased with me for being so. If you have not yet realized, God is perfect and He will not create something then frown and say, “hmm, you’re a mistake so ill have to throw you into the fire”. Please, know your God more! Not only in form but also in substance!

You always throw the line, “Let the old die and the new you arise, for with Christ’s death, your old self has died too”. Might I stress, my being gay is not my “old self”, It is my true self – always have been always will be. What God meant about our “old self” were the evils that developed in our early immaturities – selfishness, pride, lust, greed, and all that does not agree with his ultimate will of LOVE. Why of course I am most willing to turn from all that is evil! Of course my aim in life is to evolve into the kind of person God wants me to be! Of course I aim to turn from my former irresponsible ways! But do not tell me that with all that I must throw my sexuality into the trash bin too! My sexuality is not sin! In the same way that yours is not! It only becomes so when we use it to abuse! Pardon my humanity but I cannot deny the world around me of the truth. I cannot live a lie. I know God would be more displeased about that. I dare you staunch gay Christians to turn from your sexuality, pretend you don’t feel the things that you feel, marry a woman if you please! I will respect you for your bravery! And I know that God will appreciate your effort. But when all is said and done, lets talk in heaven and see if that was all that necessary. I may be proven wrong but hey, while I’m here, I’d rather live imperfectly in truth, than live pretending to be perfect.

Please do not use God to escape from your true self.
Where the seedling fell, there it grew, all according to God’s will (foto taken fresh out of school, Central Park, New york)

Halloween weekend in Saigon

Half past nine last Saturday night, I was still at the creperie updating my blog. Suddenly my heart starts to pound heavily for no reason. Thinking it may have been because i’ve had to much café da, I packed up and rushed to my hotel. On my way, I noticed there was an unusual crowd on the streets, especially towards the cathedral, but decided to ignore the incident and hurry to get dressed to meet my staff for a drunken Halloween celebration.

In my hotel room, I jumped into the shower, scrubbed up every part possible, slipped into my sexiest low-rise jeans, a crisp white dress shirt and my classic “alpha man” leather shoes, ready to glow in the dark. The palpitations persisted. I was wondering why.

On a cab, en route to the club district, there was mammoth traffic by the cathedral area. I figured maybe an accident? Or Maybe a Halloween concert? who knows. So, I gestured to the driver to take another route.

I got to the SAMSARA club that was packed with all sorts of hungry gay men. I strangely felt ill at ease. I stretched my neck looking for my friends but none to be found. I ordered vodka and stood by a group of oggling brown men. Suddenly I heard someone speaking in tagalog! I looked at this person and noticed he had just come into the club and looked really shaken. Speaking to the other pinoys in the room, he tried to hide his emotion but it was obvious, “hala! Andito tayo habang lumuluha ang birehng Maria sa Cathedral!” I pretended not to hear as they huddled. I have always been cynical about these Marian phenomena but for some strange reason I was a bit shaken by this news. So that explains the traffic and the crowd gathering! Would it also have been the reason why my heart was pounding? It started to bother me. After a few minutes and a vodka, I got impatient and left the club. I moved on to the Q bar to see whether my friends were there. Still none. Fortunately, I bumped into some flight attendants whom I had known way back. So, The party commenced. Less than an hour had passed when my friends finally appeared! Both looking extremely flushed. Mio was quick to break the news, “ we took a look at the crying virgin.” I Looked at them demanding for news and knew from their faces that they had seen something quite spectacular. After their vivid account, I asked Mio, whom I knew was a Christian, “ as a Christian, what do you think?” He was quick to answer, “ Whatever it is, it just tells us that we should pray”. Now that got to me! Not that I don’t, because I do, But because if the world was ending tonight, id want to be in manila. I looked at Joji for other answers but he was in one corner, weeping, “This is a wake up call for me”. I stood there stunned. At that moment I wanted to leave the club and see the crying lady. I made my way out with the two guys but suddenly friends and colleagues started showing up looking too pleased to see me. I was practically cornered and showered with drinks. Debauchery took over.

The next day, Sunday, I woke up with the worst hang over and a vague recollection of how I got through the night. I had only one thing in mind though as I dragged myself out of bed – Go and see the weeping lady.

Under a slight drizzle, I walked to the square in shorts and a Tee. The sky was grey and boy did it really feel like judgment day! As I worked my way through the crowd of thousands, my heart pounded like it did the night before, and then there she was. I stared at her face, my vision trying to zoom into her cheek. Yes there were marks of tears running down her cheeks on to her neck. I stood there and cynically studied it. Quite honestly, It wasn’t moving me the slightest bit. But, upon shifting my gaze from her cheeks to the crowd around me, I was stunned by the crowd’s reaction to it! Every man, woman, and child stared at her face in utter awe, teary-eyed and chanting Vietnamese songs of praise. It was what moved me. I had the urge to sing with them so I may join the voices that were being heard in heaven but I didn’t know the words so I shut my eyes and just lifted my heart, drifting with the melody of their chants.

The rain started to pour as I opened my eyes. I looked at the grey clouds beyond the statue and asked, “What’s this all about?”

Ok, maybe it was bird shit? Maybe it was acid? I don’t know… but I walked away knowing…

Knowing that whatever it is, the effect is what’s important. If it will take something like this to keep on reminding the world that there exists a spiritual world beyond our shallowness, so be it. If it takes a tear in this lady’s cheek to know that God wants some attention, so be it.

Because we need it. We are so deafened by life’s noise. We need to be reminded to be still and know that He is God.

see pictures of the lady at http://godsnotdoneyet.blogspot.com/

Written on the plane from Paris to Vienna: Full text and fotos in blogspot

En route to Vienna, I remembered something that Pierre had said earlier today, over espressos and cigarettes, about their upcoming 8-month trip to Asia. I don’t remember the exact words but he had said something about not merely jumping into a plane and traveling senselessly. That there be a philosophy behind the journey is vital. I pondered on the thought during pockets of silence in the airport and asked myself, “What is my philosophy in traveling?”

I was pleased that, almost instantly, I had answers…

I travel not just to do what the privileged do or acquire what others have. Too shallow a reason for something so costly.

I don’t do this to add feathers to my hat or make scarp books to show off. Such impressions pass too quickly through people’s minds and sometimes even leave a bitter jealousy in their hearts.

I don’t need to be seen in the shi-shiest of places. Who will see me anyway? The one who feeds me? The one who will deem me worthy in the end? If so, Will it matter?

I don’t need to prove to be an expert in the routes of cities that are not my own. I can only be an expert on my hometown.

Rather, I journey to seek my own peace,

To feel the earth around me and realize that we all live under the same sun,

To watch the world go by with its joys and sorrows painted on faces that are stored in my mind, my library of emotions.

I allow my mind to wander and my spirit to soar beyond the confines of my own realm. Somehow, It fulfills my need to understand things, people, phenomena…my need to hear their stories in order that I may learn not to judge.

I see far off lands, listen to foreign tongues, and gaze at writings I cannot comprehend. I observe, I write, I capture, I sense, I try to relate. Not for mere vanity but rather to sharpen the blade of my identity and return home with a deeper understanding of who I am, where I come from, and who I owe this all to.

When in a bar and wanting:

- Make sure your predatory mood is not obvious. Once you enter the place, Stand confidently in the middle of the room looking like you don’t need to get laid (even if your idle hands are trembling). Make sure you are smiling and acknowledging everyone but DO NOT stare at anyone in particular (even if you see Brad Pitt by the bar!). Stand there long enough to be slightly obtrusive. While there, Scan the room for a place to nestle. Make sure the area you pick has good lighting and ample ventilation otherwise your freshness will wear out fast. Try out several places before you finally settle down.

- Settled in a cozy little corner now? now get a drink. DO NOT START CHECKING PEOPLE OUT YET! Keep your eyes on the bar and Just look at your glass. When you take your first sip, keep your gaze steadily at what you are drinking and THEN discreetly lift your eyes whilst turning around 360 degrees to scan the whole room. You must learn to do this in less than a minute! If the lighting and the crowd is not as bad as BED’s, you should be able to spot a potential in one sweep. If not. Be patient. It’s either they have not arrived yet or they may be in the toilet checking people out. Occasionally greet a friend or two and be sincere about your greetings. You are more transparent than you think.

- Once you have spotted a potential bait. Relax. If you are with a friend, tell him to take a hike. Order another drink. Relax. Repeat step 2 : eyes on the drink then slowly lift up to check him out. Then, stand there smiling at everyone. SINCERELY! Contrary to popular thinking, Having a grin on your face is not ugly as long as your eyes are not rolling. Be patient. Your radiance will shine through. Work on that sincere energy oozing out of you. Draw it from the heart. Think LOVE. Breathe deeply and think LOOOOOVE. Watch your potential bait carefully. See if he is deserving of your time . Once affirmed, STARE! NOW! AS IN REAALLLY STARE! WITH HAWK EYES…But smile…That’s it…Sincerely.

- When he finally feels the electricity you are projecting across the room, he will look back at you. If he looks once, you have his attention, if he looks a second time, he is curious, if he looks a third time what the hell are you still doing standing there! GO FOR THE KILL!(note: If he doesn’t look at all…To hell with him! Just go inward again and think…I am beautiful…Repeat it…I am beautiful…ummmmm…ummmmmm).

- A fourth glance back from the target man would be your cue to start basing yourself in his area of the room. Please make sure your right hand is not sweaty in preparation for a decent handshake, and that your lips are not chapped, pop a mint so your first breath is not stale. (Note: Do not Start wetting your lips or brushing your hair in public! If you feel a need for a touch up, discreetly slip into the men’s room).

Now, Valuable tip: a good way to make sure you have his attention is to shift to another part of the room. Watch him. If he scans the room to look for you. You have it!
Once you are sure, WALK TOWARDS HIM NA! You can take that grin off your face now, walk slowly, non-chalantly and manly (Note: Internalize a suave disposition. Think Jude Law not Jude Estrada). Once you are half a meter away from him, smile…Sincerely! And try this:

Base 1>
You: Hi, I was wondering,…ummm (seem bashful) Why are you staring at me? (remember to smile)
Guy’s Possible responses :
-huh? duh! Like what? Or Ano? Or Nyek! (should the man respond this way turn around and leave the bar immediately).
-Oh my god! Why, I wasn’t noh! You ha! Your so presumido (should he be this way, you can stay, but prepare to be patient)
-Oh, I was just noticing that you were alone ( this is a hungry man and he just wants sex. Bite if you wish)
- Oh, pardon me but really,how can anyone not stare at you? (this is your dream man. Keep your composure)
- Oh, your radiance envelopes the chamber which I share with you. I think I love you…(this man may be Jeremy Barns, proceed with a grain of salt)
You: Not that it’s an issue. I don’t mind actually…I’m ( state your real name) and you are?
Guy : I’m (name)
You : Can I get you a drink? ( If he agrees, call the waiter and speak in a very humble manner. Do not start speaking like Joan Collins) Boss, may I have a gin tonic for (his name) over here…Salamat boss.
Base 2>
- Engage in niceties with him. Ask him questions and please sincerely listen to his answers. Look into his eyes and stop checking other guys out. Listen. Ask some more. Listen.
- Do not say much about yourself except your name, profession, and make sure he knows your alone (even if your not). Talk about funny things. Don’t get too deep.
-Please do not indiscreetly slip your sweaty palms into his jeans in public, you don’t know whets been in there lately and two, it is extremely distasteful!
- Do not attempt to kiss him! What you can do is while you are listening to him, draw your face very close to his so that you are cheek to cheek and your lips are brushing against his left ear when you respond. In this position, you can actually seem innocently listening to him but you can also steal a quick and discreet tender peck on the cheek when the time is right. A tender peck on the cheek is never offensive.
- After a few drinks. Start to look irritated at the crowd. Try to get his opinion and talk about it. Then go for the next base.
Base 3>
you: This place is wearing me out. Would you like to chill out somewhere else?
Possible repartee (assuming he’s the guy of your dreams)
Guy: Sure. Where do you want to go?
You: wherever you will be comfy.
or
guy: Oh, I actually came with some friends but I’d like to get your number and we could continue this some time (this guy deserves a chance. Don’t feel rejected)
you: great. Heresy my number.
or
guy: My place or yours? (be careful, this guy may turn out to be needy)
you: another bar perhaps?
Once your out of the smoke and loud music. Take a walk with him. Be quiet for a while. Be contemplative and think ” do I want to have sex? Or a relationship?
If you feel he is for sex, say:
You: You know what, lets go to my place.
If you feel he is a potential partner:
You: You know what, I have a strange urge to see where this first night is going to bring us in the bigger scheme of things. Let’s take a long walk in the bay? Have coffee? Watch people pass until the sun rises?..Then maybe meet up again tomorrow? For dinner?…Lets not hurry, we have a lifetime.
Then discreetly watch him blush and eat out of your hands